Professionalism.guideA practical framework for working well with others

Working with others

How to work with a difficult colleague

Someone you work with regularly irritates you, slows you down, or makes the work harder than it needs to be. This guide helps you understand what is going on, decide what to let go, raise what matters, and get help if nothing changes.

15 topics · 84 min · Press play to listen in order, or read any topic.

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Phase 1 · 6 topics · 34 min

See what is going on and decide what to let go

Start with the other person, not with your irritation. Then separate what harms the work from what merely annoys you.

  1. Pay attention to how they seem to be feeling. Difficult behavior is often the visible part of something you cannot see.

    5:30 Read

  2. Consider how the same events look from where they sit. Their goals and pressures may make the behavior reasonable to them.

    5:20 Read

  3. Ask whether this is a difference in temperament. Someone can be blunt, reserved, or meticulous without meaning anything by it.

    5:46 Read

  4. Look for the pressure they are under. Overload changes how people behave toward everyone around them.

    5:50 Read

  5. Some things are harmless quirks. Accepting them costs you nothing and frees your attention for what matters.

    5:48 Read

  6. Other things are irritating but not worth the cost of changing. Choose deliberately which ones you will live with.

    5:53 Read

Your taskBefore continuing, write down what the colleague does, as a camera would record it, and mark which items you will raise.

Phase 2 · 5 topics · 28 min

Raise what matters

What is left on your list deserves a conversation, held privately and without accusation.

  1. Choose a calm, private moment. Raising it in the middle of the next incident guarantees a defensive answer.

    5:11 Read

  2. Describe the specific behavior and its effect on the work. Hints and sighs change nothing.

    5:44 Read

  3. Word it so they can hear it. Talk about what happens and what you need, not about what kind of person they are.

    5:24 Read

  4. Ask how they see it. You may learn of a reason, or of something you do that sets it off.

    5:24 Read

  5. Repeat their view back before you answer it. People will listen to you once they feel they have been understood.

    5:53 Read

Your taskBefore continuing, prepare one sentence that describes the behavior and one that describes its effect on the work.

Phase 3 · 4 topics · 22 min

Agree on a change, or get help

Most of these situations end with a small agreement. A few need someone else.

  1. Look for an arrangement that works for both of you. You will probably need to change something as well.

    5:33 Read

  2. If you cannot settle it between you, ask someone neutral to help each of you understand the other's side.

    5:36 Read

  3. Once it is resolved, let it stay resolved. Carrying the grievance forward undoes the work you just did.

    5:33 Read

  4. If the clash is constant and nothing helps, changing who works with whom may be the right answer. It is a last step, and one to raise with your manager.

    5:40 Read

Your taskFinish by agreeing on one change each of you will make, and a time to check how it is going.