Restating

The ultimate goal of communication is to get someone to understand you. To understand someone, you have to listen to what they say, but just because you listened to them, it does not mean you understood them. To prove to someone that you understood them, you have to demonstrate your understanding. To demonstrate your understanding, you should restate what they said in your own words.

Too often, the phrase, "I hear you," is used as a response after someone has said something. This does not communicate that you understood them at all, and instead comes across as being dismissive. If anything, "I hear you," actually conveys that you are uninterested in what they are saying and that you want to move onto another topic that you find more interesting. If your goal is to prove to someone that you have understood them, avoid the phrase, "I hear you," at all costs.

Even if there is an attempt to restate what someone is saying, people often make the mistake of beginning with, "So what you're saying is...," but this can come across as rude, arrogant, and condescending. This opening implies that the person speaking was incapable of expressing themselves concisely, and that now you must do their job for them. Despite this being a poor way to start restating what someone said, this is a popular technique used in news or talk-show interviews in order to create a sound bite.

For example, someone might give a sophisticated line of reasoning to explain a complex phenomenon, and the interviewer might say, "So what you're saying is basically everything we know about climate change is wrong." While this makes for a good soundbite, it is not restating what was said, but is instead a gross oversimplification not intended to prove to the person speaking that you understood them, but to entertain an audience. As a general rule, it is best not to begin restating someone with the phrase, "So what you're saying is..."

A better way to signal to someone that you are about to restate what they are saying is to be direct, and begin with, "Let me say back to you what I think you're saying and please correct me if I get anything wrong." Note how different this is from saying, "Let me recite to you what I remember you saying," which would not be restating what they said in your own words, but simply repeating their words from memory.

Consider a meeting where a new product strategy is presented in the form of a lengthy presentation. At the end of the presentation, the speaker asks, "Are there any questions?" As an alternative to starting immediately with questions, you might first choose to prove to the speaker that you understood them, thus laying the groundwork for them being more open to your questions.

Your approach could be, after they ask for questions, to say, "Before I ask my question, let me make sure I understand what you are saying, and please correct me if I am wrong. The new product strategy is to change our priority from customer acquisition to customer retention, by investing resources into customer success with the goal of increasing customer lifetime value. Is that correct?" If you were successful in your restating, the presenter should say something along the lines of, "Yes, that is correct."

Getting someone to confirm that you understand them perfectly is arguably one of the most powerful tools in your communication toolbox. However, in the real world it is not easy to do, as you must remain extremely focused, listen carefully, and also be processing and simplifying what they are saying in real time.

Cognitively, this is a huge load on your brain, so don't be surprised if after a lengthy presentation, you're exhausted by the effort you had to expend just to be able to restate the essence of what was presented in a single sentence. The effort this takes, as well as exposing yourself to the very real possibility that your restating is - at least initially - incorrect, inaccurate, or incomplete, is one reason this technique is so rarely used.

The benefits of using this technique, however, are immense. First, accurately restating someone convinces them that you were listening, which all by itself will endear you to the speaker. Second, you have demonstrated that you possess the cognitive ability to not just listen, but also to understand. Third, you have shown that you are open to understanding someone else's point of view, regardless of whether or not you agree with them. This is the true value of restating what someone said, as people are more open to considering your point of view if they know you put in the effort to understand their point of view.

Part of being a professional in the business world is presenting ideas, and often those ideas will be rejected. Sometimes, you will be the person rejecting other people's ideas, other times, it will be your ideas that are rejected. In moments such as these, you will have to decide if you are still right, even if your idea was rejected. If you know you are right, and that they are wrong, and them being wrong could present a material and avoidable risk to the business, you have an obligation to try to get them to see things from your point of view.

When someone inevitably shoots down one of your ideas - a common occurrence in business that all of us encounter eventually - your reaction should not be defensive, but inquisitive. If you present a cost-savings idea that you know would work, but someone rejects your idea, restate their objection in your own words to signal to them that you understand them. If they offer a lengthy explanation as to the immense complexities of the company's supply chain, how contracts work with suppliers, and how it is impossible to change those contracts, don't immediately attack their rationale. Instead say, "Let me say back to you what I think you're saying, and please correct me if I'm wrong. The company currently has 5-year contracts with our major overseas suppliers, and we are 3 years away from being able to re-negotiate those contracts, so it is not possible to implement the cost savings measures I am suggesting. Is that correct?"

Even if you eventually have to concede that your idea is infeasible, if you got them to indicate that you were correct in your restating of their concerns, you will have won their respect just because you listened to them, and people will be far more willing to listen to you in the future simply because they know you put in the effort to listen to them.