Subtext

The understanding of subtext is a key aspect of human communication, as people often tend to not always say what they mean. This creates a difficult situation for the listener, as they must try to use clues to guess what someone actually means, rather than only interpret the words someone is saying. Listening while paying attention to subtext is very difficult and prone to error, but ignoring subtext is one of many ways that people get the reputation of lacking social skills.

A common case of when the interpretation of subtext is needed is asking someone how they are doing, and them replying, "I'm fine." Taken literally, this means everything is fine. However, "I'm fine" - when delivered with a depressed vocal tone - can mean exactly the opposite. In this case, the subtext is that they are not fine, even though they said they were.

The difficulty and inaccuracy of listening for and interpreting subtext is why some people - especially in professional settings - choose to ignore subtext entirely. However, as empathy is often considered an important aspect of listening, to ignore subtext is tantamount to not caring about how other people feel.

For example, imagine someone just came out of a meeting, and you ask them how they are doing, just as a polite way to start a work-related conversation. They then reply, "I'm fine," but it is obvious from their body language and delivery that they are not. If you listened to only the words they said, it could be argued that you were not a very good listener.

Ignoring the subtext of what your colleague may be trying to communicate and continuing to have a work-related conversation could be terribly insensitive, assuming you are reading the situation accurately. It may be appropriate to shift the focus of the conversation to what they are going through, rather than what you wanted to talk about. However, if you didn't read the situation accurately, then shifting the conversation to them might be inappropriate. This is why subtext is so often ignored in professional work environments: not only is listening to subtext imprecise, but you can seem over-sensitive, nosey, or even paranoid if you assume people are saying things they are not actually saying.

When someone tells you that they are fine, when - at least by your estimation - they are not, you have choices as to what to do next: you can ignore how they might be feeling and continue with a professional work-related discussion; you can delay engaging them in conversation until they've had time to come to grips with whatever they may be dealing with; or you can offer to listen to whatever their concerns might be.

Some people, when they experience difficulty at work, will welcome a professional discussion to distract them from whatever they are going through. Generally, this is the safest approach if you are not confident that you are interpreting the subtext of what they are saying accurately.

Other people may want to be given the space they need to process what they are feeling in a more appropriate way at a later time, rather than have someone attempt to engage them in conversation when they may not be in a productive frame of mind. For example, if someone seems to be on the verge of tears, inquiring as to how they are doing might cause them to have an emotional breakdown. In this situation, it may be best to give them the space and time they need to become more settled before asking them how they are doing. This can save them from potential embarrassment and sets the stage for productive future conversations when they feel more comfortable sharing what is bothering them.

While maintaining a professional work environment and giving someone time to collect their emotions may be the safest approach for you, often the most generous and selfless thing you can do is to make an offer to listen to them, so that they can talk or vent about whatever is on their mind. If someone seems like they could benefit from talking to a trusted colleague, and they consider you their trusted colleague, you might offer to sit with them privately and just listen to whatever they have to say.

Often people will feel better just by verbalizing what they are feeling, in which case you only have to sit quietly, listen, and not interrupt. Other times, people may be upset, and need to vent their feelings, in which case you might choose to acknowledge how they feel and help them reframe the situation from one that might seem untenable to one that has a productive path forward. If you are more senior than your colleague, you might also choose to offer concrete advice or specific guidance to instruct them on how to navigate a difficult situation.

Finding somewhere private where they can speak freely, and where you can sit quietly listening carefully to whatever is bothering them, goes beyond being a supportive colleague. Depending on the severity of the issue, it might be of critical importance to the organization.

Often a colleague will ask that you keep what is discussed confidential, and even if they do not explicitly ask, you should assume that it is their wish that you not share with others what they have shared with you. Offering to listen to someone does not grant you a license to discuss their issues with other people, as much as you might want to. Office gossip has no place in a professional workplace, as it is often the source of hurtful rumors, misinformation, and toxic work environments.

However, there are times when a colleague may share something with you that you should encourage them to share with someone in management. This might be an issue as common as an unreasonable deadline, to an issue best handled by your company's human resources department. Acting on your colleague's behalf should generally be avoided, as your attempts to help them can have unintended negative consequences for everyone involved. Instead, encourage them to discuss their issue with appropriate members of management, as it is management's responsibility to resolve the most sensitive issues employees may face.