Intervention

When conflict arises, the priority should be to end the conflict as quickly as possible. This often requires an intervention by someone who persuades the participants to calm down.

The type of person capable of intervening in a conflict must be able to remain calm, composed, and solution-oriented even if the people in front of them are yelling at each other. In a perfect world, all conflicts would happen in the presence of such a person, and even better, this person would have some level of managerial authority over the people who are currently fighting.

Unfortunately, the world is not perfect, and conflict can happen spontaneously such that you may be the only person in a position to intervene, in which case you still have to decide whether you should get involved, as even if it is clear that an intervention is needed in order to end a conflict, it is not always clear if you should be the one intervening.

There are several cases where the best response is to simply walk away from a conflict and alert appropriate members of management:

First, if there is ever the potential for a conflict to escalate into a physical altercation, then you should never get involved, especially not by physically inserting yourself between two people about to fight. The workplace is not the schoolyard, and professionals should never even consider getting physical with a colleague - even if that is in an attempt to stop a fight.

Second, if a conflict is so far gone that there is nothing you can do, such as a case where people are yelling so loudly that they cannot hear you speak unless you also yell, then you may have to walk away and let the fire burn itself out.

Third, if the things being said are so inappropriate, disrespectful, or offensive that there is no productive way to rescue the conversation.

In all of these cases, it should be left up to management to handle the situation, as your attempt to intervene may only make the situation worse.

If, however, the conflict has not yet gotten out of hand, and you are confident that you can get involved without making the conflict worse, then it is often worth at least trying to de-escalate the situation, if for no other reason than to restore workplace harmony.

Perhaps the most important rule in getting people embroiled in a conflict to calm down and relax is to never tell them, "Calm down" or "Relax," as these phrases tend to do nothing to de-escalate a situation, but may instead elicit the reaction of, "I am calm," from someone who is clearly not calm, or "I am relaxed," from someone who is clearly not relaxed.

Instead, first adjust your nonverbals to those of someone who is not a threat to any of the participants. If possible, you should be seated, with your legs in a relaxed position, such as in front of you crossed at the ankles. You should have your body turned towards the people having the conflict, but you should not make eye contact, instead staring at an invisible point between and below the participants. You should lean back, and spread your arms slightly, with your open hands clearly visible. You can then choose your hand position based on what you want to communicate: palms forward signaling to stop, palms down signaling to calm down, and palms slightly up to signal that you would like to say something. You can then take a deep breath, and slowly but quietly exhale, as a signal that you are relaxed, and that they should also relax.

When done all together, these are the nonverbals of de-escalation. You may have to hold this position for several seconds until both participants notice you, but if they don't, you should choose your words very carefully, and say them very slowly and softly.

Unfortunately, there are no perfect word choices, but you might try, "Everyone, please," or, "Let's discuss this later," or "Let's take this somewhere else." Whatever words you choose, it is often more important how you say them, than what you say, but what you say should not be accusatory or inflammatory, as your goal is to de-escalate the conflict, and anything you say that might upset people will do exactly the opposite.

Provided people have stopped speaking and are listening to you, you might then try saying to each person what the other is trying to say diplomatically - while still speaking softly and slowly.

For example, if your colleagues were named Sam and Jessie, you might turn to Sam and say, "Sam, I think what Jessie is trying to say is that when you eat their lunch out of the refrigerator, then they have nothing to eat for lunch. Jessie, is that correct?"

Assuming Jessie indicates that you are correct, you would then turn to Jessie and say, "Jessie, I think what Sam is trying to say is that when food doesn't have someone's name on it in the fridge, it's easy to think that anyone can eat it. Sam, is that correct?"

Assuming Sam indicates that you are correct, then you might say, "It would seem then that the best path forward is for Jessie to label their lunch before putting it in the fridge, and for Sam to check for any labels before eating food in the fridge. Is that acceptable to both of you?" If they both say yes, then the conflict should be over, meaning that you have successfully de-escalated the situation.

It should not ever be said that intervening in a conflict is always advisable, or that if you do, that you will always be successful, but if you are in a good position to de-escalate a conflict, and have a reasonable level of confidence that you can do so, it is often best for everyone's well-being that you at least give it a try.