Personalities

When deciding how direct and diplomatic we should be when communicating assertively, we should carefully consider the personality of who we are speaking to. Someone's personality can be thought of as the complex combination of characteristics that together influence their behavior, as well as their reaction to how people behave around them.

There are people whose personalities are outgoing and friendly, and who enjoy spirited debates on practically any topic. There are also people whose personalities are more private and reserved, and who may not want to discuss topics that they consider too sensitive or inappropriate.

There are people who appreciate the efficiency gained by assertive communication that minimizes diplomacy and maximizes directness. There are also people who may interpret this type of less-diplomatic assertiveness as being offensive, rude, dismissive, condescending, insensitive, or disrespectful.

This doesn't mean that some types of personalities are good and others bad, only that we should acknowledge that people are different, and that those differences should influence how we communicate with them.

For example, imagine you were in a meeting, and you were asked why a project you were on was late. Based on your professional opinion, you reply, "Our project is late because of insufficient planning," which is very direct but not very diplomatic. In hearing your response, some colleagues may appreciate your clarity and conciseness - as they now know exactly what you think, and have a clear path forward in fixing the problem; but others may feel that you were being arrogant, accusatory, and blame-oriented - even if that was not your intention.

This illustrates one of the primary challenges in dialing the appropriate level of directness and diplomacy in our assertive communication: it is much more difficult to do in a group setting than it is one-on-one.

When speaking with someone one-on-one it is much easier to know how direct and diplomatic you should be. If you know the person very well, you should already know how to tune your communication style to suit them. If you don't know the person that well - or they are a total stranger - speaking to them one-on-one allows you to adjust your communication in real time, often relying on cues in their body language to figure out if your lack of diplomacy is making them uncomfortable, or if your lack of directness is frustrating. This process is often central to the formation of a strong working relationship with a colleague, as the more you speak with them, the more you learn about how they like to be spoken to. Provided they are also learning how you like to be spoken to, the two of you will eventually be able to communicate fluidly no matter the topic.

While in a group setting, however, figuring out how direct and diplomatic you should be so that you don't upset anyone can be extremely difficult. The more people there are in the meeting, the more different their personalities, and the less you know everyone, the harder this becomes.

Imagine you were giving a presentation to your entire company, which includes sales and marketing, as well as engineering and operations. Generally speaking, the types of people who enjoy the challenges of sales and marketing tend to have different personalities than the types of people who enjoy the challenges of engineering and operations. To make matters more complicated, within these groups, everyone has their own individual personality which may or may not be typical for their line of work. The question then is, as you give your presentation, how direct and diplomatic should you be, considering the range of personalities you are talking to?

Note how different this situation is from if you were an astrophysicist giving an astrophysics talk to a room full of other astrophysicists. As there would most likely be much more consistency among the types of personalities in the room, determining how direct and diplomatic you should be is much easier. In this case, maximum directness and minimum diplomacy would most likely be appreciated, as there will be little to distract from the hard data and experimental results that the audience would be looking for. Add on to this the fact that there would most likely already be an established communication culture among astrophysicists, and the fact that the astrophysics community is relatively small so most people would be familiar with one another; choosing how best to communicate offers practically no challenge.

But what do we do in meetings where we are presenting to a wide range of personalities? Unfortunately, there is no easy answer, but the topics being discussed at each point in a presentation can act as a guide.

For example, if your presentation had a section where you showed a massive growth in revenue, being as direct as possible with little to no diplomacy is typically going to be appreciated by everyone.

If you said, "We have had a massive growth in revenue over the last quarter, putting us on track for our best year ever," no one is going to be upset, as everyone likes hearing good news.

However, if you had another section of your presentation that addressed a particularly embarrassing public mistake the company made, using more diplomacy would be appropriate.

You might say, "By now we all know about the social media incident that happened recently, and understand the impact it has had on our brand and company morale. We should all remember that mistakes happen, and it's not the mistakes we make but how we recover from them. There are lessons to be learned, adjustments to be made, as well as several opportunities for improvement. Our goal now is to acknowledge our mistakes, learn from them, and focus on the future."

While this was not direct, it was very diplomatic, and as a result would most likely be appreciated by everyone, as people tend to want sensitive issues to be handled delicately.

Everyone you work with has their own unique personality, and every person has their own preferences for how people should speak with them. You should do your best to learn the personalities of your colleagues and dial your communication style appropriately. While in group settings, do your best to adjust your level of diplomacy and directness to the topic being discussed, and remember that even if people do become upset, they should at least know you did your best not to upset them.