Support

People tend to do their best work when they feel supported by their colleagues, but it can be difficult to figure out the type of support someone wants, even if you can figure out the type of support someone needs.

A common mistake in attempting to support a colleague is to assume they want to be supported in the same way that you would like to be supported.

For example, when a deadline is approaching, you might like someone to constantly cheer you on by saying, "You can do this!" or "You're almost there!" or "Keep going!" Your colleague, however, might want to be left alone so that they can focus on getting their work done.

Another example is when receiving feedback on your work, you might want people to be brutally honest, whereas your colleague might appreciate negative feedback being delivered as delicately as possible.

Yet another example is when there is an upcoming discussion, you might like for someone to provide a list of resources for you to study so that you are prepared, whereas your colleague might prefer to seek out resources for themselves.

When people try to offer support to a colleague, only to find their support was not appreciated, they tend to stop attempting to support that colleague. If you brought someone a cup of coffee as they were working to meet a deadline, and they say, "I don't drink coffee," thinking, "OK, well then I guess they don't want my support," would be an understandable reaction, but an incorrect conclusion.

Generally, everyone wants to feel supported by their colleagues, even in highly competitive environments. Competition in the workplace usually falls into two broad categories: winner-take-all or pushing each other to be better.

Winner-take-all mentalities will tend to lead to workplace toxicity, as in the case where everyone feels they are competing for a single prize, such as when many people want to be promoted, but there is only one slot for promotion. If people believe there can only be one winner, then they tend to not want anyone else to win, which creates a disincentive to support their colleagues.

On the other hand, when everyone is pushing everyone else to do better, then supporting each other is a part of the game. These types of environments form when a team shares a common objective, such as completing a project on time, and they realize that to reach that objective, everyone needs to perform at their highest level. When there is a collective feeling that to win, our teammates must also win, then this creates an incentive to support our colleagues.

In today's workplace, strong argument can be made that winner-take-all mentalities are no longer a viable method of working with our peers. Though individual contributors drove the early part of the 20^th century - as in the case of a single inventor working by themselves on a new invention - today innovations rarely come from individuals, but come instead from collaborative teams of like-minded individuals who share a common objective. Further, the most innovative teams are often pushing themselves to perform at their best, which requires setting a high bar for performance and supporting their teammates to reach that bar.

If our goal is to support our teammates, this still leaves the conundrum of not knowing how best to offer support, especially when each of our teammates may want to be supported differently. To simplify this problem, we can separate supporting our teammates into two categories: providing the support they want and providing the support that they need.

To support a teammate by providing what they want is simplicity itself: just ask them what type of support - if any - they would like. This is no more complicated than asking, "How can I best support you?" and doing whatever they tell you to do.

For example, if someone says, "The best way to support me is to allow me to skip morning status meetings so that I have more time to work," then supporting them would be finding a way to allow them to skip morning status meetings. This example highlights one of the challenges of supporting someone: what they want may not be something you are able or even willing to provide.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer in cases where supporting someone is more difficult than bringing them a cup of coffee. In many cases, truly supporting a colleague requires some work on your part, but whether or not you are willing to do that work is a question only you can answer.

While asking someone how they would like to be supported usually yields an answer, that answer tends to be only what they want, which sometimes is not what they need. Often, when we are in need of support, we say what we think others want to hear, are not honest with ourselves, or are not aware of what we really need.

For example, if a colleague is clearly overwhelmed by the amount of work they have to get done before a deadline, and they tell you the best way to support them is to not distract them, but you notice that the way they are going about completing their work is highly inefficient, should you support them by leaving them alone, or should you offer them tips on how to be more efficient - which may be what they need even though it's not what they want?

Once again, there are no easy answers. To offer them tips is the polar opposite of leaving them alone but may be their only chance of making their deadline. Should you do what they ask, and watch them miss their date, or should you offer tips to maximize their chances of success? Whatever you decide should take into account what is best for them, and what is best for the organization. If what they want is not in the best interest of the organization, then as a professional, your only choice may be to give them the support they need, even though it may not be the support they want.