Sadness

Detecting the nonverbals of sadness is a critical aspect of being a supportive friend, family member, or coworker. Understanding when someone is sad enables us to tune how we communicate to be appropriate for how someone may be feeling, as well as adjust our behavior to make a situation better.

When it comes to the nonverbals of sadness, most people would consider crying as the ultimate tell that someone is sad. However, though extreme sadness often includes crying, not all crying is caused by sadness. Someone who is crying, or who has eyes that are welling up with tears, may have just listened to a particularly emotional song, or remembered a particularly happy childhood memory, or be experiencing the joyful relief of just hearing some incredibly good news. Therefore, crying all by itself may not be that reliable an indicator of sadness.

To envision the nonverbals of sadness, imagine someone who has just experienced a devastating loss. Their entire body will seem heavy, as if they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. They will seem to move in slow motion - if they move at all. Their shoulders will be slumped, their head hanging low, their eyes looking at the ground. They will speak quietly, if they speak at all, and will generally disengage from everything around them. They will tend to hide their hands, and avoid eye contact. They look as if they are trying to make themselves smaller so that they are not noticed, perhaps while holding their arms across their stomach. Their hair and clothes may be disheveled, as if they just don't have interest in taking care of themselves anymore.

Even without crying, with all of these nonverbal indicators, it's a safe bet that someone is sad, even if you don't know why.

The chances of seeing all of these signs together when someone is actively trying not to appear sad - as they would in a professional work environment - are next to none, making the detection of sadness among your colleagues very difficult unless you are paying close attention.

Imagine a routine status update meeting where everyone reports where they are on their tasks. In previous meetings when there was plenty of time before the deadline, everyone sat upright, made eye contact, had their hands in plain view, and generally looked eager for their turn to report on their status. Now, as the deadline is only days away, you notice a change in the nonverbals you are observing.

Perhaps people who used to sit or stand at the front of the room are now sitting or standing at the back. Where some people still seem eager to report their status, a few are averting their eyes, or have their bodies turned slightly towards the exit as if they are ready for the meeting to end so that they can make their escape. Perhaps there is one person, sitting in the back of the room, exhibiting the behavior of "Turtling," a term used to describe hiding the neck by lowering the head and raising the shoulders, as well as having their arms folded across their stomach, as if they have a stomachache, while also staring at the ground.

If you were to guess who has good news to report on their status, and who has bad news, it's a good bet that the people who are exhibiting the nonverbals of sadness have less good news than those with the nonverbals of happiness.

If you are the facilitator of the meeting, you now have valuable information as to how to navigate collecting status in a way that is fair and sensitive to the emotional state of others. Certainly, someone's body language may have nothing at all to do with their project status, but if you noticed them cheerfully chatting with coworkers earlier in the day, but now see their body practically collapse at the thought of being asked if they are done with their task, there's a good chance that their sadness is related to their status.

Imagine the same meeting, but instead of a few people exhibiting body language indicative of sadness, everyone is. As you look across the room, everyone is slumped forward, hiding their hands, lowering their head and eyes, and doing everything they can not to be noticed.

Even without saying a word, you would have a good feel for the room. This is called "reading the room," and is a critical aspect of communication. Whether you are a guest speaker giving a lecture, a salesperson pitching customers, or a project manager collecting status, it's important to absorb as much information as you can about what people's nonverbals are telling you, so that you can tune your communication accordingly. Failing to read the room can be disastrous, especially in situations where customer revenues or staff morale is at risk.

If you are about to collect status from a room full of people all exhibiting the non-verbal signs of sadness, it would be cruel to conduct the meeting just as you would if everyone's nonverbals indicated happiness. While you may not have concrete evidence as to what is going on, it may be best to proceed as if morale is low, and to assume people are afraid to give you their status, out of a fear of the repercussions they might face in delivering bad news.

Right there and then, you should switch from a status collection meeting to a morale-boosting meeting. Perhaps you start by explaining that it's OK to be late with a deliverable, so long as you have a plan to get back on track; or that the company expects everyone to do their best, not to be perfect; and that it's not the mistakes we make, but how we recover from them.

As you give your pep talk, you may notice the body language of the room changing. Perhaps some people stop turtling, and hands emerge from out of pockets or from under the table. As you continue to talk, arms may no longer be folded, chins may start to rise, and people who were previously not looking at you now start making eye contact.

You will know you are improving the morale of your team if their body language shifts from that of sadness to neutrality, and you will know that you have a mastery of motivational speaking if a room that started by projecting the nonverbals of sadness now projects the nonverbals of happiness.

This is the power of being able to detect the nonverbals of sadness: you can change your behavior to try to make the situation better. If no matter what you do, people's nonverbals still don't change from those of sadness, then whatever is making people sad is outside of your control, but at least you tried your best to make the situation better.