Tolerance

Part of working in a team is that occasionally, we will be irritated by the behaviors of others. When we encounter people with annoying behaviors, our choices are to either tolerate them, or try to change their behavior.

Tolerance is the practice of allowing what we consider irritating behavior to continue. Whether we should or should not tolerate someone who does or says things we don't like can be a difficult decision, but we should be careful not to declare ourselves judge and jury in determining whose behavior is acceptable and whose is not.

Every workplace has people who irritate others in one way or another from time to time, and while learning to tolerate people who irritate us is necessary in order to integrate into any social circle - be it in your personal or professional life - in a professional work environment, there are some behaviors that should not be tolerated.

When the behavior of an individual irritates other people, and that irritation leads to a disruption of workplace harmony, swift action should be taken to correct their behavior before it becomes the norm, which inevitably will result in other people exhibiting the same behavior.

For example, if someone constantly interrupts coworkers who are speaking during meetings, and no one ever points out to them that this is rude, they have no reason to change their behavior. Over time, interrupting coworkers in meetings becomes the norm, and everyone adopts the same behavior. Before long, everyone is talking over everyone else, and every meeting quickly devolves into chaos shortly after it begins.

All of this can potentially be avoided if - instead of tolerating the behavior of someone interrupting others when they are speaking - we find a way to let the person know that their behavior is inappropriate, and that there are alternative approaches that they can use to create an opportunity to speak.

In many cases, people are simply not aware of how their behavior affects others and getting them to change their behavior may only require telling them that they are having a negative effect on others. Unfortunately, this approach has a potential drawback that many people are afraid of: informing someone that their behavior is inappropriate creates an opportunity for conflict.

Conflict is a potential outcome anytime anyone tells someone else that their behavior is unacceptable and needs to change. As many people are conflict-averse, instead of learning how to effectively correct behavior by providing the appropriate feedback, they instead learn to tolerate all bad behavior, which sets the stage for that bad behavior becoming the norm.

While directly confronting someone about changing their behavior can create the potential for conflict, an indirect approach may avoid conflict altogether.

After the incident with the bad behavior is over, wait for a neutral moment when the offending person is not upset, defensive, or combative, and when they seem the most receptive to receiving feedback. For example, if someone is still frustrated and upset after a meeting where everyone was interrupting each other, now is not the time to inform them that they were also interrupting people.

Instead, wait until some time has passed, and approach them privately to have a 1-on-1 conversation. Ask them about how they thought the meeting went, and if they need to, let them vent any frustrations they may have. Once they have fully expressed how they feel, transition the discussion into asking them how future meetings could be improved. Usually, people will start by declaring how other people's behavior should change, but with a bit of gentle guidance on your part, you may help them realize that they were part of the problem.

This strategy minimizes the chances of conflict, as it avoids directly telling them that their behavior is wrong and needs to change. Instead, it gives someone the opportunity to self-identify that their behavior needs improvement, without you having to directly say so.

Fortunately, there are very few people who will continue a behavior once they realize that behavior negatively impacts others. Humans are social creatures, and we all want to coexist in harmony with the people we work with every day. Once we realize that our behavior has the potential to alienate us from others, most of us will at least try to change, as none of us wants to be an unwanted member of a social group.

Changes in behavior rarely happen overnight, and there will often need to be a series of gentle interventions and corrections if and when bad behaviors resume. However, provided they are making a genuine effort to change their behavior for the better, their mistakes and mishaps along the way should be tolerated, and the process of patiently guiding them towards better behavior is continued until their behavior improves.

In the cases where this slow, gentle, patient, kind, and tolerant intervention process fails to bring about a positive change in behavior, it must then be left to management to address. Still, it is often worth the effort to at least try to guide someone into better behavior, rather than wait for management to step in and use their authority to force a behavioral change, especially since attempting to force behavioral change rarely turns out well for anyone.

At best, people who are told to change their behavior by management do so begrudgingly while harboring resentment towards management and their colleagues. At worst, their behavior change will be only temporary, requiring more forceful managerial intervention, which can escalate out of control.

To have a chance at changing someone's behavior when they clearly are not interested in changing, the underlying cause of their behavior has to be uncovered and addressed. Sometimes the source is simply lacking the professional experience to know how to behave; sometimes it is frustration that can only be processed through venting and receiving advice from a trusted colleague; other times it may be that they are experiencing something distressing in their personal life that they are bringing into work.

Whatever the source, it must be found and addressed, as there is no benefit whatsoever to tolerating bad behavior indefinitely, as that is how toxic work environments are formed and maintained, and there is absolutely no reason for anyone to tolerate a toxic work environment.