Formality

Professionals should communicate in a formal fashion, which means using respectful language with no chance whatsoever of causing offense. However, while being careful not to offend is a good default communication style, when we loosen the way we communicate so that it is less formal - or even informal - we may have a better chance of engendering trust and building relationships.

Let's say you were the president of a country, and you were giving a speech at an international symposium addressing other world leaders. As your goal should be to not cause any offense whatsoever - to avoid the chance of creating an international incident - your language should be extremely formal.

In addressing the audience you might say, "Esteemed colleagues, honorable heads of state, and distinguished representatives from across the globe, it is both an immense honor and a profound responsibility to stand before you today at this prestigious gathering. As leaders of our respective nations, we are not only bound together by our shared aspirations for peace, prosperity, and stability, but also by the recognition that we must collaborate and act in concert to tackle the multifaceted challenges that confront our world. It is through fostering a spirit of mutual respect, understanding, and cooperation that we can pave the way for a brighter, more equitable future for all of humanity."

While this level of formality is perfectly appropriate for a leader of a nation addressing other world leaders, it would not be as effective when trying to engender trust and build a relationship with a single person.

Consider if we used the same level of formality to greet an intern on their first day. We might shake their hand and say, "It is with immense pleasure and profound delight that we extend our warmest welcome to you as you commence on your internship journey with our esteemed organization. We wholeheartedly appreciate the dedication and enthusiasm you bring, as well as the unique talents and perspectives that you shall contribute to our collective success."

Though this does guarantee that you will not cause offense, you have not done anything to build trust or start a relationship.

Instead of greeting the intern with maximum formality, you might greet them informally, by saying, "Good morning - how are you feeling about your first day?" Assuming the intern said they were a bit nervous, you might say, "Oh, that's OK - everyone's nervous on their first day. Let's grab a cup of coffee and I can answer any questions you might have." If they were to ask what the expectations of the job were, you might reply, "Well, since you just got here, my expectations are for you to keep showing up, try your best, and not quit. As you get your feet wet, and get a little bit more experience under your belt, I can get more specific, but for right now, I just want you to take a deep breath, relax, and soak in your first day on the job."

By greeting the intern informally, we are demonstrating that we are letting our guard down, which helps signal to them that they can also let their guard down, which allows you both to communicate more fluidly, and your conversations to be more relaxed. The more informal conversations you have, the more opportunities there will be for trust to be established, and as more trust is established, the stronger your relationship will become.

Considering the importance of trust and relationships to being a professional, you might think that perhaps you should be informal all the time with everyone you meet. This is a strategy often employed with seasoned salespeople, who have no problem walking up to the CEO of a major multinational corporation and starting an informal conversation about the weather, sports, or the latest news. However, seasoned salespeople are among the best communicators in the entire professional world, so they know how best to dial their level of formality based on the people they are speaking to, and the situation they find themselves in.

Imagine a seasoned sales professional was at an after-hours networking event at an industry conference, and they saw the CEO of a well-known Fortune 100. They might walk over to them and say, "Hi there, my name's Alex, and I'm here with the Bank Corp group. I've been a fan of your company for quite some time, and have a burning question for you. Tell me - and be honest - does the sauce for the shrimp cocktail taste like ketchup to you? Something tells me they ran out of the good stuff and had to improvise."

Master communicators use all of the information at their disposal, and our sales professional would be reading the CEO's nonverbals to tell just how informal they can be before causing offense. If they got the sense that the CEO was not open to light-hearted joking, they may have changed their level of formality on the fly.

Let's say that after our salesperson said, "Hi there, my name's Alex and I'm here with the Bank Corp group," if at the very moment they noticed that the CEO had a tiny eye twitch, made a slight grimace, and their whole body seemed to stiffen, then their next sentence might have changed to, "Sorry to bother you, but I noticed you standing here and wondered if you had a few seconds to chat. I'm curious about your thoughts on the recent changes to the financial regulatory environment, as we're considering whether or not we should re-evaluate our priorities, and wondered if you had any insights into where you think the market is headed."

This quick adjustment of formality based on nothing more than a few non-verbal signals is the hallmark of a masterful communicator. The ability to adjust what you're saying, and how you're saying it, based on your interpretation of someone's openness to having an informal conversation, can be the difference between starting a lifelong relationship, and looking like a fool.

When in doubt, always err on the side of formal communication, especially with people you don't know, as you don't get a second chance to make a first impression. However, as your confidence grows as a communicator, you should learn to dial your level of formality to the situation, so that your conversations can be more relaxed, giving you more opportunities to build trust and develop stronger relationships.