Acceptance

It is important to remind ourselves that not all behavior that we find irritating is necessarily bad behavior, as it may just be a harmless quirk of someone's personality that we need to learn to accept.

Acceptance is not the same as tolerance. When we tolerate someone whose behavior annoys us, we try to find a way to coexist while we work to change their bad behavior. When we accept someone, they no longer annoy us, as we accept the universal truth that everyone is different, and just because someone is different, that doesn't mean they should change.

There are billions of people in the world, and everyone takes their own unique path as they navigate through life. When we encounter someone whose behavior irritates us - but that behavior is ultimately harmless - provided our goal is social harmony, we should accept them for who they are.

For example, perhaps you think someone speaks too loudly, or that they dress too colorfully, or that you don't like the smell of the lunches they bring into work. These behaviors may be irritating to you, but that does not make them bad behaviors. We should not expect people to change if you are the only person who takes exception to how they act, talk, walk, stand, sit, or smell.

One does not have to look far in order to find differences that we find irritating. Perhaps someone listens to music that you don't like, likes movies that you think are terrible, or perhaps you don't like who they voted for in the last election. In all of these cases, in a free society people are fully within their right to be who they want to be. If you have a personal problem with their taste in music, movies, or politics, then it is you who have to accept them - they should not have to change just to make you feel more comfortable.

Unfortunately, all workplaces tend to have established social norms, whether we are conscious of them or not. When someone new joins our workplace, they are also joining our social group, and we tend to want them to conform to us. When we believe that someone will conform to our social norms, we say they are a "good fit," which is another way of saying that we believe they will behave in a way that makes us feel comfortable.

When we say someone is, "a bad fit," we are saying that they do not conform to our social norms, and if they were to join our social group they would make us feel uncomfortable. People are highly resistant to adding people to their social group who they do not think will, "fit in," as they fear that their differences will lead to social disharmony and workplace disruption.

The temptation of saying, "you should conform to us because there are many of us and only one of you," is very difficult to resist. Social norms and behavioral standards are difficult to establish, and once established, it is human nature to not want them to change.

The problem with this tribalistic, "You must fit in with us," mentality is that to compete on the global stage, we should select teammates who are the best at what they do, regardless of if they are just like us.

This is one of many differences between a social group in a professional workplace, and a social group in your personal life. As professionals, we should seek to work with the best people we can and focus on forming a tight-knit team bonded through mutual trust and shared objectives, not a shared taste in music, movies, food, or political leanings.

Teams go through various stages of formation, and in the beginning, there will be discomfort as everyone adapts to differences that they find uncomfortable. Yet, once everyone has learned to accept the differences in their teammates, and to focus on what brings us together in alignment towards a common goal, rather than the personal characteristics that would separate us, only then can we become a true professional team capable of achieving great things.

The alternative is to only work with the people we like, and hope that the best people to work with are exactly like us. Statistically, this is extremely unlikely, as even if we are exceptional among the group of people we know, there are many other exceptional people throughout the world whom you have never met. The true power of a modern organization comes from gathering together exceptional people from across a wide range of social groups, and through the process of shared goals, shared failures, and shared achievements, they become a true team of highly effective professionals.

A true team is made up of people who have accepted each other, regardless of their differences. Instead of focusing on personal traits and characteristics, they focus on the mission, and how the strengths of every member will contribute towards the successful completion of that mission. All of us have weaknesses, and when we work by ourselves, these weaknesses can prevent us from reaching our maximum potential. When we are a member of a true team, however, our teammates' strengths balance our weaknesses, allowing us to achieve far more than we could by ourselves.

Acceptance requires that we prioritize the success of the team over our personal need for social comfort. In the beginning of working with anyone different from you, it will be uncomfortable, as you each learn each other's quirks, what makes them tick, what aspects of them you like, what aspects you dislike, and how to work together. Over time, superficial, trivial, and unimportant differences will be forgotten, and be replaced with mutual trust, shared respect, and common goals. Social harmony will then be reestablished, as everyone accepts everyone else for who they are.

As new people are added, this process repeats itself, which is how long-term social harmony is maintained. By periodically allowing social norms to adapt to new and different people, and then patiently waiting for things to settle into a new harmonious social norm, we can surround ourselves with the best people possible for accomplishing our shared goals, whether or not originally they were considered, "a good fit."