Sensitivity

We can think of emotional sensitivity as being able to detect how someone is feeling.

For example, if someone were sitting in the back of a meeting room, with their shoulders slumped and head hung low, answering questions in a quiet monotone while staring at the floor, a sensitive person would notice that something was wrong, whereas an insensitive person wouldn't notice anything at all.

The goal of being sensitive is not so that we are always primed to give a hug or offer a box of tissues. Instead, we are being sensitive because all humans are emotional, but humans have great difficulty expressing their emotions. That then places the burden on us to be sensitive to what others are feeling, so that we can tune our communication to the emotional state of the people we are speaking to. For example, if someone is already feeling bad, we would want to be very careful with how we communicate more bad news.

While emotional sensitivity helps you to be a better communicator, we must be careful not to become oversensitive. Oversensitivity is similar to paranoia, but instead of thinking that everyone is out to get us, we think everyone is always in a state of sadness or anger that we need to fix. There may absolutely be times when we detect that someone needs our emotional support, but there are also times when we might overreact and offer support when none is needed.

For example, if we learn that a colleague has experienced a personal tragedy, and we notice that they are upset, offering emotional support would be appropriate. On the other hand, if a colleague didn't get the recognition for their work that they were hoping for, and we believe they are upset when they are not, offering them a hug and a box of tissues would come across as condescending and belittling.

Finding the correct balance between sensitivity and oversensitivity can be difficult, but in a professional work environment, if you're not sure how someone else is feeling, it's better to proceed with caution and avoid overreacting.

In addition to avoiding being oversensitive, it is important not to confuse sensitivity with sympathy, as the two are similar but not the same. To be sensitive means we are able to detect how someone is feeling. To be sympathetic to someone's feelings means that we feel sorrow for their misfortune.

If we are sensitive enough to realize someone has experienced misfortune, it is a natural reaction to feel sympathy for them and want to give them comfort. Therefore, we often consider sensitivity and sympathy one and the same. However, in a professional work environment, sensitivity and sympathy must be considered separately.

At some point in our careers, we may eventually encounter people who believe they deserve things that they did not earn. These types of people may believe that they deserve more pay, better perks, and to be promoted when they are demonstrably and unequivocally far below minimum performance standards. If this type of person were to get a poor performance review, they might be both sad and angry: sad that they got a poor performance review; and angry at being told they had to improve. They may cry, pound their fists, and scream and yell, all because they were told they had to do the job that is expected of them.

Faced with this situation, it would be a mistake to be insensitive to their emotions, but it would also be a mistake to be sympathetic to their emotional outbursts.

Being insensitive towards someone who is throwing a tantrum may make the tantrum worse, as ultimately a tantrum is attention-seeking behavior, and if they are not getting the attention they want, they may continue to scream and yell until they get the attention they feel they deserve.

Instead of being insensitive and ignoring them, it might be better to approach them calmly, work to de-escalate the situation, and give the person the time and space they need to calm down. At a later time, you may allow them to vent their frustrations privately as a prelude to having a productive conversation about them improving their performance.

Just as being insensitive would be a mistake, it would also be a mistake to be sympathetic toward an underperforming coworker who was throwing a tantrum to get what they wanted.

Anyone who throws a tantrum and gets what they want will throw a tantrum again in the near future, and every time they get what they want, it reinforces in their mind that creating discomfort in others through emotional outbursts is a winning long-term career strategy and acceptable professional behavior. Further, when we reward entitled behavior with sympathy, we send a loud and clear message to everyone else that to get ahead in the workplace, all that is needed is the occasional emotional outburst.

This then leads us to the sobering conclusion that while we should always be sensitive in the workplace, we should not always be sympathetic. This is one of the many differences between our personal and professional lives: when our friends and family are upset, we tend to want to help them feel better; when a coworker is upset, depending on the situation, helping them feel better may not be the best course of action.

For example, if a coworker gets reprimanded for chronically being late to work, they will be upset. As sensitive colleagues, we will know they are upset, but rather than helping them feel better about being reprimanded, we should help them do better by encouraging them to show up to work on time. Being sensitive allows us to know that our colleague is struggling to follow company policies, but by not being sympathetic, we create the opportunity to coach them into doing better in the future.

Colloquially, this is called, "Tough love," in that hearing that you should get to work on time after you've been reprimanded for being chronically late is tough, but if you have love for your colleague, you should want them to correct their mistakes, improve their performance, and do better in the future.